Empty

How do you fill up when you feel empty? Not just empty of energy, but empty of feeling?

For a long time, I spent most of my life feeling empty. I knew how to feel. I knew what to feel. But I often couldn’t get that feeling to be natural. I would more often than not, behave my way to feel.

With this came elated highs and crashing lows, rarely anything in between. Purchases of the latest tech, something nice for the flat, a new car, multiple holidays abroad. Eating out 4/5/6 times a week. Eating myself stupid to cope with the feelings, happy and sad. And this cycle would go on for years and years and years. On anti depressants, off them. Suicidal feelings, thoughts, planning and unsuccessful attempts.

Counselling, drinking, eating, shopping, depressed, not depressed, happy, not happy, elated, not elated, hateful thoughts, loving thoughts (though these were very very very rare!)

A cycle that was like being in a washing machine on full spin cycle and drain. Leaving me devoid of feelings. Devoid of love. Devoid of understanding myself or the world around me.

But now, now it’s different. Because I hit the stop button 7 years ago and said no more! I literally stripped my life of my compulsive behaviours (well, most of them) and asked myself, how do I reset? So I found community (in this case Augustine United Church) counselling, GP mental health support and started my unique journey to help me become well.

I’m by no means perfect or fixed or sorted. I don’t believe there ever is an end goal of being fixed. I believe in the journey to awareness, that allows you to sit with the best and worst parts of your mental health journey. I no longer believe in myself as being the worst thing I used to tell myself I was. Or take on other people’s projections of they think I am. Very often their projections are more about themselves than about me. But I’m also aware that others have expectations of those around them, but that is exactly what that is. Their expectations. No one can live up to others expectations. We can only be what we need to be, for ourselves.

So with that in mind, here I am, refilling my empty feeling. Or is it empty? Rather, it’s the sad side of me. A feeling that exists. And it exists in parallel with my happy feelings. And every other feeling in between. I’m taking time to sit with it. I’m allowing it to be what it needs to be. To help me reset and move forward. It no longer makes me incapable. Nor non productive. Unloving. Unfriendly. Unkind. It is just a period of time when I’m reminded that my cup is almost empty and I need to take the time to refill without guilt.

So that’s what I’m doing. Refilling. Speaking to my mental health team at the GP’s surgery. Restarting my anti depressants because I know they keep the anxiety at a low level where I can deal with it. I’m using every tool I have now, to take care of me, so I can take care of life around me. Thank fuck for that. There is happiness in sadness. ❤️